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[29 Apr 2007|11:22pm] |
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| Togetherness. |
[07 Dec 2006|08:42am] |
I've been doing some thinking about the difference between going through life together, and going through life with someone. While it may just seem a nuance, to me, they conjure up completely different images.
Also I was doing some reading about forgiveness, and I came across something about barriers to forgiveness. One of the reasons was loss of the benefits derived from being a victim. While I feel I've received lots of modeling of that and do the same thing, I thought it sounded pretty lame. What benefits are there of being the victim other than sympathy? There's not a lot written in that area of the book, but I see how I fall into the same trap.
"As for losing your victim status, it is probably healthier for you in the long run to have your status determined by who you really are than by offenses you have suffered. It is better for you to aspire to what you deserve because of your character, efforts, wisdom, or good deeds than to rely on having been someone's victim. Do not let the temporary benefits of victimhood prevent you from forgiving, even though forgiving would usually imply that you no long claim the 'rights' owed to you by having been your offender's victim."
Picturing me and Eyeore having tea together....
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| Blah blah. |
[04 Dec 2006|10:54pm] |
Not much to speak of today. We went to playgroup this morning though we were running a bit behind. We still had a good time, and I was able to give away a few things that I need to get rid of.
This afternoon I went to the local quilt shop to look around and bought more punch needle stuff to do. I don't know when I'll get around to it. Actually, right now would be a good time to do it. But, I'm here on the computer. Maybe not for long....
Some people have mentioned Christmas lately and commercialism and such. While I understand their thoughts, I suppose I feel that people still have options. Maybe I'm naive, but I guess I'm fortunate that I'm not feeling pressured to give anyone the moon. At the same time, I think I've felt that way in the past when receiving gifts. I wanted the gift to be the summation of their feeling for me. I wanted something over the top; something I didn't deserve (wink, wink, of course you deserve it); something to make up for all disappointments in life.
I have been that way for as long as I remember. When we were in school, I remember my brother gave me a bag for no particular reason and it was super heavy. It wasn't Christmas or anything. But, based on the weight, I was so shocked and so excited. When I opened the bag and saw that it was a poster from the group that he was supposed to be selling for school, I did not react well. I don't know what I thought was in the bag, but I just remember feeling angry and disappointed. I guess we can rationalize that when we're kids, we do stupid stuff like being ungrateful for gifts for no particular reason. I think about it now and am pretty disappointed with myself.
It seems though that as I've gotten older, those things still remain with me. I want to find a balance between being me---the person who wants to be surprised with the gift given, and the me who has far too many expectations. I don't want to be showered with expensive gifts; I just want to be pleasantly surprised.
I know it all sounds pretty shallow, but it's part of who I am.
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| Wasting Time. |
[29 Nov 2006|11:46pm] |
Today I dropped Emi with a friend while I did some packing this morning. I was feeling a bit conflicted about it since this same friend will be watching her all day on Friday while the movers are here. But, I decided that there was a lot more to do prior to Friday.
Running up and down the stairs, silently cursing my lack of organization, where did this long box full of Christmas wrap come from, realizing I still had unsent wedding invitations that I had never thrown away, I stopped about 12:30 to go pick her up. On my way out the door, hubby called. We chatted a bit and he said he spoke with someone over dinner last night who had moved multiple times. His advice was to let the movers pack us up. Fumihiko agreed. He had already decided that, but somehow I didn't get that memo.
So, I have done a bit of picking up tonight and cleaning out if I can. If I had things in the appropriate places, I guess them packing us up would make more sense. And, with us substantially downsizing, I need to minimize the boxes I open. Leave Halloween box closed until Halloween, etc.
Emi seems to have a cold starting. Overall, she seems okay. A bit grumpy, but she was also away from me all morning and that could account for some clingy-ness. She's started telling me when she wants a snack. "Naak" She can also say banana pretty well, but I had to explain that she had already eaten all the bananas.
Well, I suppose I'll finish up the living room and kitchen and call it a night.
I managed to walk on the Gazelle for 20 minutes today, did 30 push-ups, and did the 20 minute pilates workout. I felt proud of myself. While I'm not doing it every day yet, I am working on it.
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| Negotiations with Emi. |
[19 Oct 2006|10:12pm] |
Yesterday at Costco with Emi out of the cart loitering around the cases filled with cakes:
Me: Come on we have more shopping to do.
Emi: No.
Me: Let's go look at the books.
Emi: Bye bye.
Me: Okay, I'm going.
Emi: Bye bye.
Me: Okay, I'm going now.
Emi: Bye bye.
Me: This reverse psychology business is supposed to work on you not me.
This morning as she was putting a small bottle of eyeglass cleaner in her mouth:
Me: Please don't put that in your mouth.
Emi: [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<looking [...] me,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] Yesterday at Costco with Emi out of the cart loitering around the cases filled with cakes: Me: Come on we have more shopping to do. Emi: <laugh> No. Me: Let's go look at the books. Emi: <waving> Bye bye. Me: Okay, I'm going. <moving and then looking back> Emi: Bye bye. Me: <continue moving> Okay, I'm going now. Emi: <waving> Bye bye. Me: This reverse psychology business is supposed to work on you not me. This morning as she was putting a small bottle of eyeglass cleaner in her mouth: Me: Please don't put that in your mouth. Emi: <looking at me, does it again> Me: Emi, please don't put that in your mouth. It's yucky and is not good for you. Emi: <looking for me to look away and put it in her mouth again> Me: Emi, if you do that again, Mommy will take it away. Emi: <watching me and smiling, puts it close to her mouth> Me: Emi, if you put it in your mouth, Mommy will take it away. Emi: <puts close to her mouth, and I start her way. She smiles and waves> Bye bye. |
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| What's up with YouTube? |
[13 Oct 2006|01:35am] |
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Is anyone else having a problem with YouTube? I keep trying to view videos. It says that it's playing, but there's no window for viewing, no play button, etc. Maybe I'm just really incompetent.
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| Cycles. |
[06 Dec 2004|10:51am] |
Got an email from a friend to say that the same friend we helped move away from her abusive husband last year is moving away from him again. At some point this year she went back to him, and this past weekend was another bad one.
Twice the cops came to their place, and the second time there were 8 of them there. She yelled at them for not doing anything other than ask questions. For some reason, she doesn't understand that the cops can't do anything until she takes it a step further than calling the cops. She has to file a report with the family court before they can do anything other than investigate. So, she's planning on flying out on Friday--fortunately not from my friend's city. I'm hoping he doesn't do anything desperate.
Why do we all put ourselves through these things? I have been thinking alot about different areas of my life, and it all seems pretty cyclical. I come back to the same thing from time to time and wonder why things never quite get resolved or fixed. But, I guess they do change for a while. It just often seems to come back to the same point.
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[01 Dec 2004|11:25am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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Well, long time, no write. I haven't spent much time online recently, so I'm just getting back in the swing of things. Yesterday was the first time I haven't thrown up in the last 6-8 weeks, so I'm hoping that's a good sign. I have a bit more energy now, and I'm hoping to get out today and look for an appropriate outfit for a semi-formal dinner on Friday.
Well, I should head off to shower.
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| Sheesh! |
[13 Oct 2004|02:58pm] |
I've been cleaning the office, or should I say, picking and choosing among the piles that were already on the floor? I've now drug everything out of the closet, and am attempting to start putting things back.
How to organize? I have lots of assorted craft things which I don't really care to lump all together. I guess I need to buy more plastic boxes to separate them. Also, I'm trying to sort all of my seasonal items so that if I desire to decorate for Easter (very few items in my possession) or another holiday, I don't have to dig through everything else to get to it.
Why do I have so much stuff? I've got a whole stack of outdated information, forms, and other things that I'm very happy to be getting rid of. I've also been trying other filing methods. I'm beginning to think that I should be doing one or the other, not both at the same time. I have company coming Sunday, and in the event that she needed to use the computer, I wanted to have the office cleaned. Okay, enough, hit it.
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| Thinking. |
[12 Oct 2004|09:32am] |
I really should be cleaning up the office instead of checking email. I'm sure that at some point I'll look up and wonder where the time went and berate myself for not getting more work done. However, I'm doing this.
I've been doing some thinking as a result of a conversation with a co-worker on Friday. I asked at what point in her life she felt comfortable in her skin. She said that she was probably 35. So, I said, "Just hang in there 3 more years, and it will be okay then." We were chatting about life and relationships (yes, we do work, but I was on lunch). She said she thought I was alone too much.
I've been thinking about that. Yes, it would be nice to have hubby home more often. It will take a definite adjustment once he comes home to make space for one another. I'd like to have more things to do or people to hang out with, but I guess with work I'm feeling like I really enjoy being home by myself. Not trying to set myself up for failure, but I don't feel the urge to make a lot of effort either.
Recently it seems that I've been isolating myself. Actually isolating sounds like I'm turning down things......there aren't things to turn down. I'm just not doing the reaching out and inserting myself in people's lives like I had previously done. I feel like I'm always running behind in catching up with people as it is....people that I have regular contact with. I need to make a special effort, I suppose.
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| Cathing up. |
[06 Oct 2004|12:12am] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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Tonight I got a phone call from a friend in Japan. We had a nice long chat, catching up on what's new and what's updated old news. It's funny to me how we can be apart for so long, but then we just pick back up where we left off. Email helps a lot. Shared memories help as well. And, lots of love fills in the gap.
We always get off the phone saying that we shouldn't wait this long anymore. Who knows? It might be another several months. She may be flying back home for Christmas, so it would be nice if she could fly through here and spend a couple nights with us. But, I think she's sworn off Northwest, especially traveling with kids.
She updates me about the newest food products on the market that fall short of the mark. For example, cereal frosted with green tea so that upon adding milk, you have green tea milk. That's some pretty nasty stuff. She is fortunate to have a Costco within an hour of her, but it seems to be cereal that she misses the most and they sell only Japanese cereals.
Although we're separated by space and time and no longer share leisurely phone chats or jokes about funny names that we see around us, the relationship remains.
There's been a part of me that's been feeling change for some time now. I have questioned whether it's change for its own sake, or if there's a preparation that's beginning. I guess only time will tell.
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| I'd just like to say.... |
[04 Oct 2004|10:55pm] |
To all the situations around me that are bringing me down
"You're not the boss of me."
Thank you.
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| Quote regarding home. |
[04 Oct 2004|11:51am] |
"Sometimes I am not sure whether home is behind me or in front of me. I am not so sure this longing is really recognizable. I might just be attaching it to those things that are familiar to me. Rwanda, that place that I have called home all my life, is a place I have only visited for one month. All I know of Rwanda is its people, my family. So home might be family and nothing more. It might be the people who make me feel. The people who define and occupy and receive my emotions. The people who reciprocate, who give me the most sought after, most valuable and intangible gifts--acceptance, trust, laughter, comfort, love. In that case, Burundi is my home. And so is Swaziland. And so is America."
--Nola Kambanda, "My New World Journey" in Becoming American: Personal Essays by First Generation Immmigrant Women.
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| Grrrr....... |
[27 Sep 2004|01:06pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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I don't know what's wrong with me, except that everything has me bent out of shape. I hate my house. I hate my body. I hate me. I hate my laziness. I hate my over-involvement to compensate for my lack of self-esteem. I hate my choices. I hate that I question everything and am rendered paralyzed by choices. Grrr....
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| Autumn has arrived. |
[17 Sep 2004|05:53pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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Today the sun is out, but the air is a bit cool. It's definitely turning to fall here. I'm enjoying it.
It seems that life is pretty much on an even keel right now. There's not much to tell. Work is going well; family is well; I've started Jazzercise; and I'm talking to friends fairly regularly.
I went to Chili's for lunch yesterday. It took a really long time for my server to come over, and the hostess sent someone else to at least get my drink. My server tried to smooth it over, but all I really wanted was food anyway. When my food came, she also brought the check with her. I wasn't planning on eating dessert, but I was wondering if I looked like someone who couldn't use dessert. What does that sort of person look like?
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| Funny site. |
[11 Sep 2004|10:33pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Ray Charles "Genius Loves Company" cd. |
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If you've ever received an email/spam ad for the Nigerian bank scam where they need your money to get their money, this is a pretty funny story.
http://www.wendywillcox.50megs.com/
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| Am I schizophrenic? |
[10 Sep 2004|06:08pm] |
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mood |
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infuriated |
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I just posted, and it seems that there has been a trigger to get me rolling down the hill of judgment gaining momentum and gathering speed all the way down. Danger Will Robinson....
WARNING: Scroll on by to avoid Christian/political rant.
Maybe I'm blind, maybe I'm in sin, maybe I'm a hypocrite, maybe "just a fool" covers it all. I should stop listening to other peoples' opinions and stories and not let it affect me.
At this point in my life, Christianity and God are my hot buttons. I suppose I am mistaken in believing that I've got my act together. I know my stuff isn't together.
I feel like so much of my church experience at the moment is like that of un/patriotic America. To speak out about something that you perceive to be wrong means that you're not committed. But, perhaps the real question should be "Do you want honesty or loyalty?"
Much like the voting suggestions that used to be passed out at churches I've attended before. So that you don't have to bother yourself with learning about issues or the candidates, please someone give me a list of candidates that have the Christian rubber stamp on it. And, of course, that rubber stamp always fell on Republicans. So, when Christians say that they like Dubya, I figure that they're assuming I must not be much of a Christian to be a democrat.
Assumptions...please don't say the cliche about what they're good for.
Let me attempt to pull this wagon out of the ruts that are so deep in my mind.
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| Long day. |
[10 Sep 2004|05:44pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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Today was not a bad day by any means, but it really felt like a long day at work. I was briefly shown how to link books which allows them to be processed into the record so that they can be put out on the shelves. That was a cool thing that I was happy to get my feet wet with.
Warning: The next segment may seem really judgmental.
Not long ago we had an inservice at work which had a youth librarian as our seminar. It sounded like he has an excellent program at the library where he's at, but it also sounded like he thinks he's got the market on cool-ness. Today we were discussing it again, bemoaning our own lack of budget for what we're currently offering and wishing we could do more to target teens, and we brought up his name again.
The director said something regarding this person and how he wasn't quite sure what he thought of him. We talked about the nature of his seminar again about if you're not cool, then don't act cool because the teens will eat you alive. He said, "He seems like he doesn't want to grow up." From there I said, "He reminds me of a what.....a youth pastor." The director agreed and we laughed about it---especially since this guy's wife is actually a pastor.
Now I'm just hanging at home. Hubby was hoping to be home early, and I was sort of thinking that we might go out to eat to make it a date. But, he didn't get to leave at the time he thought, so I'll figure out something to make for dinner. It looks like it's going to be a great weekend. I'm so excited.
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| What a day. |
[09 Sep 2004|12:14pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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So far, I feel that I have been very productive. I've showered...(Yah!), had someone come look at our bathrooms to install some exhaust fans, done various cleaning, and I'm feeling like I'm making some headway.
It seems like lots of things in life are changing or in a state of flux. Yesterday I found out that my director at work will be moving on....I'm very happy for him--he's found a job that is right up his alley, and he's ready for a move. For me, that means that I may have an actual title in the coming days in order to convince the powers that be that I'm ripe for a raise. Truth be told, I'm up for the raise as I asked for it about a month ago. So, by giving me a title, it's believed that I'm more apt to get it. That's Miss Program Coordinator to you.
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing and what I should be doing. I've considered dropping my position as chapter leader of the foreign wives group. My thoughts have been that I am essentially making something that hasn't been at least for the overseas division, and I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do. Usually CLs organize events and are the local contact person....but it seems unlikely that we'll be getting together. I was thinking about dropping it with everything that's going on, but out of the blue this morning a foreign wife left her name and number on my answering machine. We haven't officially met, but we emailed a couple times about a year ago. Maybe this is my answer.
I also had a phone call from someone who was interested in a food drive for GLEANERS, the local food pantry. It was refreshing and the shot in the arm that I needed. While some conversations turned to the state of church and searches for a stable place, I felt a bit sad that this person felt she had no say. I don't know how I'm supposed to react to this. My past actions have been to try to shout out things again that people have been left behind, but I know that for it to be acted upon, there has to be an interested audience. I don't think that I have that. They're moving on, and I'm happy for them that they are seeking to find something that better suits them.
The rest of the day will be spent doing random running around until time for work at 5:00.
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| Thank God it's sunny. |
[07 Sep 2004|08:51am] |
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mood |
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blank |
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I might otherwise be staying in bed this morning for a really long time. I was pretty restless last night. Maybe it was the different comforter on the bed that I haven't gotten used to it being toastier than before in there.
Hubby left me a sweet card this morning before he left....it was very nice of him. I also see that he bought a card for my dad and has it ready to go. I'm very impressed.
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